5 Ways to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse

Now that Norman Oklahoma and the Zombie Fanboys of Doom has been posted in its entirety, again, I thought that the zombie apocalypse might be a subject that needed to be touched upon.

You may call me paranoid, but if there is one thing in life that I am sure of, it's that pretty soon, the zombie apocalypse will be upon us. And frankly, I wouldn't feel right without giving all of you, my friends, my Loyal Readers, a chance to survive.

To be ready, to be prepared and waiting for the coming crisis, all you need to do is follow five simple steps.

5 easy steps to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

Step 1: Arm Yourself

Zombies are hard to kill. But it isn't impossible. Zombies, like Achilles, have one weak spot. Unlike Achilles, their weak spot isn't on the bottom of their foot. It's the head.

Your typical zombie will drop like a hot plate of veal once you've done some serious damage to the thing's brain.

So what you need to do, right now, right at this moment, is to go get a gun. Get two guns. Get a lotta guns. Frankly, when it comes to zombies, you can never have enough guns.

You will also need a hatchet. A hatchet is a good tool to kill a zombie quietly and it doesn't take up a lot of space in case you have to carry a lot of stuff.

So go get a great big bunch of guns, plenty of bullets, and a hatchet. Those will be your zombie fighting tools.

Throw in an aluminum baseball bat while you’re at it.

Step 2: Build Your Defenses

The next thing you need is land … and I'm talking a decent sized portion of it. Go out and buy yourself about ten to fifteen acres of land out in the middle of nowhere, then build a twenty-foot tall wall around it, preferably made of concrete.

Make sure the wall is stable too. I'm talking foundations that are at least ten to fifteen feet deep. You don't want that wall to topple on you when hundreds of zombies go pushing on it.

Put your house right in the center of your property, and then dig yourself a moat around the house. Something that's about fifteen to twenty feet wide and just as deep. But don't fill that moat with water. Oh no, stick a bunch of long wooden spikes at the bottom, then fill it, about a quarter of the way, with gasoline. Make sure that those long, wooden spikes stick up a good five feet or so above the gas. That way, if a mess of zombies get past your wall, they'll fall into the moat, impale themselves on the spikes, then flail about as you light fire to the whole thing.

Next, you will want an underground shelter, think of it as a bomb shelter, but for zombies … a zombie shelter. Build it under the house. Fill it full of stuff you can live on for a minimum of six months. This is your bolt hole. A place where you can hide that has only one door and no other way in.

Next to the house build two sheds. One for the generator and one for storage.

Use the rest of your land to plant various fruits and vegetables.

You may want to purchase this land somewhere in the west where the land is fertile for the growing of good food.

Step 3: Stock Up

Now that you have your truckload of guns, your hatchet, your bat, and your heavily defensible house, you'll need to start to stock up on things.

Canned food, water, gasoline, clothing, lamp oil, batteries, light bulbs, books, comics, DVDs, magazines, sugar, flour, bread, Twinkies, and of course, lots and lots of bullets.

Start now. Stock up. Go to Costco or Sam’s Club and buy in bulk.

Step 4: Study and Learn

You have your gun, but do you know how to use it?

Have you ever shot a deer (or any animal for that matter), skinned it, butchered it, and then cooked it up?

Do you know how to hot-wire a car?

Any clue on how you'd get gasoline from a gas station when all of the power is out?

Can you sew?

Do you know how to grow your own fruit and vegetables?

Do you know how to filter your own urine into something drinkable?

Can you field strip an AK-47?

Do you have any knowledge of plumbing, carpentry, electronics, or automobile maintenance?

These are just a few of the many skills you will need to survive in a world following the zombie apocalypse. Learn these skills now while you still have the time.

Step 5: Get in Shape

Join a gym. Pump iron. Run marathons. Go rock climbing. Swim laps in the community pool. Get in shape. The Out-of-shape will not survive.

Those who are out of shape will be the first to be eaten.

You don't want to be eaten do you?

I don’t.

There you go. This what you need to be ready when the time comes and your neighbors turn into shambling monsters who try to eat you and your family.

Be ready. Be vigilant. Don't find yourself sitting on the toilet when ball drops and the flesh flies.

Be smart.

Be ready.



  1. why the hell would you take DVD's into an undergound bomb shelter?

    1. For entertainment ... gotta watch my Monty Python.

  2. You forgot industrial amounts of fly paper to lay around on the outside of the concrete wall to capture those zombies.

    And duck tape, you should stock up enormous amounts of duck tape.

    1. Well, I just figured that the duck tape was a given :) It fixes everything.

  3. And I you got those zombie around your wall, you could use some air freshener.

    And stuff for personal hygiene.