My first confession is that not all of my confessions are real. It's up to you, Loyal Reader, to determine for yourself which are real, and which are fake.
Here we go.
I read in the bathroom.
I like to go to the grocery store, remove an item from the shelf, take it to the other side of the store, and put it on another shelf.
I play with my son's toys when no one is around.
I carve the faces of my enemies into potatoes. I bake the potatoes. I eat the potatoes. Eventually the faces of my enemies are digested. This gives me much power over my enemies.
I carry bacon in my pockets.
Sometimes, on hot summer days, I fill a large bowl with vanilla pudding. Then I immerse my bare feet in the pudding and thrill at the feeling of it sliding between my toes.
I smell other people's shoes.
I wear my underpants on the outside of my jeans when I'm at home.
I chew on rubber bands.
I make art out of used adhesive bandages.
I'm afraid of geese.
I'm the guy that dinged your car last week in the parking lot.
Ten years ago I hit a bigfoot with my car. I didn't tell anyone though. I just took the body home and had it stuffed by a family friend who is a taxidermist. I have him on display in the front room. When people come over I tell them that it's a life sized Chewbacca mannequin.
I watch TMZ.
I am what I like to call the Laziest Obsessive Compulsive in the World. I would like to keep my desk neat and orderly, I crave the sense of order it would create. On the other hand, it sounds like a lot of work. I walk past a row of parking meters on my way to the library. I start to count them, but that too seems like a lot of work so I just estimate and I seem to be good with that.
I'm not afraid of fish, but I do think that they are creepy.
I like to buy books from bookstores. I take them home and read them. After they are read I sneak them into the bookstore and put them back on the shelf.
I wish that I was able to grow a mustache like Sam Elliot. That's a mustache a man can be proud of. A child could sleep in that mustache.
I collect used staples.
I think that's enough for now. I might be back for a part two at some point . . . or I might not.