DEER SEASON!

The deer are trying to kill me.

It's because I know too much.

I don't have much time left, but before I go, before they take me, I need to warn you all.

See, one morning, just a few years ago now, as I made my daily morning drive to work, I spied a pair of deer off to my right grazing calmly in an open field misted with the early morning dew. I took a moment to take in their magnificent beauty, their splendor, their grace, and that’s when I noticed something that turned my insides to ice and made bile rise in my throat.

These deer were not afraid.

They were staring intently at me with cold, black, calculating eyes. Their calm demeanor filled me with such fear that I would not have been surprised had they rose to stand on their hind legs, threw a pair of defiant fists into the air, and called out to me: “We’re here! We’re deer! Get used to it!”

And so, as the dread took hold of me, I tried not to vomit as I sped away.

Though I now worry for my safety, and the safety of my family, I know that I have to tell my story. You need to know the truth, as scary as it might be. To put it simply, the deer community no longer fear the human race. If anything, they seem to hate us. What I felt that morning wasn’t just my own cold terror, I felt the contempt that came from those deer eyes. I felt the anger, and I knew at that moment that the deer were plotting our demise.

I can’t be sure when this happened. I can’t be sure what set of circumstances turned these placid creatures against us, but evidently our hunters aren’t out there doing what needs to be done each and every deer season. They aren’t out there striking fear into the hearts of deer everywhere. If our orange-clothed brethren were doing their jobs correctly, then deer would run screaming in terror at the site of us. Yet there they were. Two deer calmly watching as I drove by. They were fearless, almost ... arrogant.

Something needs to be done. We need to strike first while the deer are still planning their revolution. First and foremost, we need to put a stop to all those deer out there who feel that they have a right to just be out walking about on our public roads. Get those hunters out there, I say. Lets thin that deer population down a bit so that I don’t have to drive with my heart in my throat every time I get in my car.

Now, I’ve never really been a deer lover, but I’ve never really disliked them either. Live and let live, that’s my motto. However, after hitting two deer with my car within a year’s time, I’ve really become a deer hater, and God save any deer that puts itself in my path. I support the right to bear arms. I support the right to arm bears. I support anything and everything that we can do to kill off a couple thousand deer so I can feel safe driving those public back roads again.

Let me get something straight here real quick. Regardless of what I just said, I’m not really here to endorse a campaign to slaughter all the deer in the world just so that I can take my attention off the roadside searching for deer and put it where it should be, searching the road itself for all the stupid people out there behind the wheel. No, I think that there’s another answer. An alternative that will keep the deer alive and thriving, yet will keep them in their place. In the woods where they belong and as far away from humans as possible.

Here’s what I’m proposing. We should gather up a large group of deer, take them somewhere nice and secluded, strap them to tables, and make them watch Bambi.

That’s right, Bambi. The Disney movie about that cute little deer.

I think once the deer population gets a load of that movie we won’t have to worry about them anymore. You see, in Bambi the deer and other innocent woodland creatures encounter Man only twice during the entire flick. The first time is near the beginning of the film when a group of hunters kill Bambi’s mother and set fire to the forest. The second time Man enters the film is near the end when Bambi is all grown up. Man shows up again in the form of hunters, and after setting their dogs on Bambi ... they set fire to the forest.

Now if that doesn’t send a message to the deer community that Man is not a species to be trifled with, then I don’t know what will. Bambi teaches animals everywhere that Man is to be feared. Not only will we kill you and your loved ones, we will set fire to your home.

What’s that all about, anyway? In Bambi, human beings in general are portrayed as blood thirsty pyromaniacs whose only goal in life is the eradication of the forest and all that dwell within. Was this really what Walt Disney was trying to say? That Man is inherently evil, while all the woodland creatures are innocent and fluffy and cuddly and have never done anyone any harm?

Apparently old Walt never had the passenger side mirror ripped off his car by some “innocent” deer out to get his jollies by dodging cars on the freeway. Evidently Mr. Disney was a little too busy making plans to have his head frozen to go out and drive America’s back roads at night and flinch at every shadow that projects itself onto the road.

That’s the problem that arises from hitting not one, but two deer within the space of a year. You flinch and jerk every time something moves in your peripherals when you’re out driving. You choke on your heart each time a shadow moves in the ditch ahead of you. You swallow your own vomit whenever a dog runs out from the yard of a farmhouse. OK, maybe that’s just me, but driving used to be a fun activity for me. It was a way of escape. I could kick up the AC to near intolerable levels, light up a cigarette, throw a little hair metal or old school hip hop into the CD player and just cruise. Now however, I am in constant “Watch and Wait” mode. My eyes are perpetually swerving to the left and right, always watching, always knowing that the next mile could be my last. I curse at each car that dares to speed past me on one of those back country roads.

“I hope you hit a deer!” I scream at them, my mouth frothing and my eyes bulging as I shake my fist in anger at the receding tail lights.

No one should have to live like that, but I do. I do because I am now in the know. I know what’s really going on out there with the deer among the green. I know why they no longer seem afraid of Man. I know, because I looked into the eyes of those two deer that morning. I saw what was in those eyes, and what I saw wasn’t fear.

It was hate. Pure and simple hate for Man and everything we stand for. That's when I realized that the deer were plotting against us. I’m not sure why, but I could see from the look in those eyes that it was true. Maybe they’re sick of all the hunting we do? Maybe they just feel that they were here first and that we are the interlopers? Maybe, just maybe, the deer have seen Bambi.

I think that’s it. I think that one, lone deer out there crept up to a drive-in theater while the place was showing Bambi, and that solitary deer believed the propaganda that Disney was spewing. That deer saw the movie and came away with the feeling that Man had to be stopped. So it went forth, and told it’s tale to any and all deer it encountered. I can see it now. In my head it’s a cheesy television montage of deer in all parts of the country, spreading the hate for Man to the tune of We’re Not Gonna Take It, by Twisted Sister.

Soon a movement was formed in the deer community. A movement with no other purpose than the complete and total annihilation of the entire human race. Mass genocide carried out by deer.

I could see it in the eyes of those deer that morning. I saw that had they been standing closer to the highway that morning, they would have burst out in front of my car, sacrificing their own lives in an attempt to end mine. That’s the tactics being used by the deer currently. Hang out on the roadside, look for cars full of people, and take them out by any means necessary. It’s guerrilla warfare, deer style. Why do you think these “accidents” involving cars and deer only happen during the dusky hours? Because that’s when they are near invisible.

It’s not going to be long however, before the deer realize that this plan just isn’t working in the capacity that they need it to. It’s just too damn slow. It’s not going to be long before the deer decide to take it up a notch and soon we’ll have an army of pissed off deer, storming a nuclear missile silo in an attempt to get their hooves on a nuke. Once that happens, all Hell’s gonna break loose.

Take heed and prepare, good people. Arm yourselves. Stock up on canned goods and bottled water. Keep close to your loved ones my friends, because the deer are coming, and when they do, they’ll come on silent hooves.

I’m taking a big risk by telling everyone this. I know they’ve targeted me, they’ve tried twice already. But I’m a little too slippery for them.

I can feel them watching me now as I type this. But I cannot, will not, lie down! I must fight! The people need to be informed of this coming Armageddon.

The people must know.

The people must know.

Be wary. The deer are out there.

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