WHEN I AM KING OF AMERICA


When the country decides that it's time to step up and make me King, things are going to change.

First on the agenda, Customer Service.

Every living person in America, once they turn eighteen years of age, will be required to work at least one year in the Customer Service Industry.

The first six months of that year will be spent as a Customer Service Representative at an Informational Call Center. The last six months will be spent behind the counter at a local retail store.

If you've never worked in the Customer Service Industry, then you need to understand what it's like to be on the other side of the counter or on the other end of the phone. If you do get that chance, then maybe you'll get over the idea that if you yell loudly enough, you will get whatever you want. Maybe you will learn that the people who work in Customer Service are simply not able to move mountains and part seas just because you "insist".

It's my feeling that the general mood between customers and employees would lighten some after this initiative. Sure, you're still going to get the occasional idiot clerk or irate customer, but what you won't have is what we have going on in America right now.

What we have is a majority of the customers who call a Help Center or walk through the doors of a store expect to be treated by an uncaring, thoughtless, generally rude clerk or operator, which in turn causes the customer to begin any and all transactions with an air of annoyance and superiority.

In turn, we also have a majority of the clerks and operators who just simply expect the next customer to walk through the door or call on the phone to be uncaring, thoughtless, and generally rude, which in turn causes the clerk or operator to begin any and all transactions with an air of annoyance and superiority.

We need to stop the cycle already, and I think I'm the man to take the country in that direction

Next on the agenda, all people living in the United States will be required, by law, to work at least one year in the Fast Food Industry at any time between the ages of fifteen to eighteen.

The reason for this is simple. After you've spent an hour bent over an empty fryer, scrubbing it clean with all your might as your arm hairs burn and sizzle, then most any job you get afterwards will feel like a simple walk in the park.

Something else I'd like to do is limit the amount of time and space that companies have to try to get us to buy their product.

Advertising is everywhere. It’s on our televisions, our magazines, our comics, and our radios. They make their presence known by calling out to you from billboards on the roadside or popping up in front of you while you surf the Internet.

Heck, ads even phone you up while you're sitting at home with the family trying to enjoy a nice dinner. I mean, if you were to throw a sack of wet poodles in any direction, you are bound to hit an advert.

So I say no more sales calls. No more billboards. No more internet pop ups. Television commercials are okay, but I think that's where we need to draw the line. Back me up, folks.

Here's another one. All aisles in any store that uses shopping carts must have the same rules that drivers follow on the road. Always use the right lane, stop signs should be posted at all intersections, all shopping carts must come standard with turn signals and rearview mirrors, stuff like that. This could work people, get behind me.

How about this. You speed, you lose your license. You speed in a residential area, you go to jail. The Speed Limit is set for a reason folks. It's not a rule that's been made to be broken. It's there to keep us safe. There isn't really anything that's so important out there that you have to risk my life and the lives of my family to get you there.

I realize that that one may not be a popular one, but I don't care. Slow down!

Speaking of unpopular, when I'm King, all cell phones will be banned. Period. I wouldn't have to make a law like this if some people were just a little more sensitive to others around them and little less encased in this tiny world of theirs where only they and their problems exist. Seriously. Other people live on this planet, Mister and Missus Loud Voice. Put the phone down. I'm pretty sure that everyone in line at Walgreens doesn't want to hear you yell at your spouse through your phone.

OK, how about this as a compromise. All businesses and automobiles in America will be required to run a device that block all cell phone signals. How's that? Any better?

I have more ideas and plans for the people of America. All it's going to take is a large group of you folks to come together and realize that what this country needs is me as King.

Wise up people.

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